Hi everyone. I’m Kayla, the Millennial Therapist and owner of Reclaiming Stories Therapy and today I’m going to talk to you about the five types of touch. Let’s get into it. So as usual, I have some notes in front of me to kind of keep me on track and help me throughout this video. So if you see me glancing, that is why. Um, so the five types of touch, or we also call this non demand touching or non-sexual touching, um, that increases to sexual touch, um, are really important to learn and to remember. I work with a lot of couples, um, that often get stuck in patterns of what they are going to do when they have sex together. That it’s usually, you know, we start with this, I touch you here, I touch you there, you touch me here, um, you touched me there, and then we have some type of intercourse and orgasm, and then we’re done.
And sometimes I’m in both people orgasm. So this model of looking at the different types of touch and looking at them as gears, um, it’s a really good metaphor of thinking of shifting through gears. So the first gear, um, being very mild touch and fifth gear being intercourse. So I’m going to go through all those gears and talk about how you can make your way through those. Um, and this all comes from, um, very prominent person in our field as well, Barry McCarthy. Um, and, uh, he talks about these, uh, different types of touch and how you can utilize them in his book, Sex Made Simple. So you can go find that if you want to reference it. It’s more of a clinical book though, so I’m just going to give you the cliff notes version here. Alright. So the first type of touch is affectionate touch.
And so this is usually, um, with clothes on and very, just like mild touching, like holding hands, um, hugging, kissing, um, not very sensual, it’s just kind of that more loving, affectionate touch. Um, the second one sensual touch. So this involves non genital touch and it can be closed or semi-closed, um, or it can be nude as well. Um, and it includes like a full body rub, like head neck or foot rub. Um, it could even be like cuddling on the couch watching Netflix. Um, so it’s a little bit similar to affectionate touch, but your body is a little bit more engaged. Um, it could be situated in like a trust hold. So both partners are kind of, um, or one partner could be like sitting in the other partner’s lap and you’re kind of holding each other in a very, um, loving and sensual way where you feel safe and connected, um, or it could even be like cradling each other/cuddling when you go to sleep or wake up.
Um, so that’s kind of moving into sensual touch. The third one is playful touch. And so that is kind of intermixing, genital and non genital touch, um, while semi-closed or nude. Um, and that includes like touching in the shower or a bath, um, full body massage. Um, it could be seductive or erotic dancing or playing games such as like strip poker or naked twister or something like that. Um, so it’s more playful, a little bit more exposure, um, and just kind of having a little bit more fun with the types of touch in most of the areas of the body. Um, so the fourth one is erotic touch, um, and that can include manual, oral, rubbing, or vibrators stimulation. Um, it can be mutual or one way it can proceed to orgasm or not, or it can be a transition to the next stage. Um, so this is usually where we see most people start out, um, with some type of foreplay.
So this is kind of like oral sex, um, or playing with a vibrator. Um, definitely like genital touching. Um, and we don’t often get a lot of the first, second and third gear after sometimes the initial, like honeymoon phase where you are exploring your partner’s body and are wanting to, um, engage with them in a lot more different types of touch. But then sometimes as we go along in a relationship, we kind of get stuck in this space of, we know what we like. We go to it time after time after time, and then sometimes it gets too routine. Um, and then the last type of touch number five is intercourse. And so we all are pretty clear on what that means. Um, and you know, this is not heterosexual intercourse. It can be any type of intercourse depending on what parts you have. Um, but usually it’s, you know, inserting penis into some pole in the body.
Um, and so there’s two big things that we need to remember when we think about intercourse. And the first is that it’s a natural continuation of pleasure of all the other types of touch. So we’re not going just straight there. Sometimes you do! Sometimes, you know, you are just so erotically charged in a moment, um, and are just ready to go and you just jump right into it. Um, but often when I’m working with couples, that’s not the case and has not been the case for a very long time, or it’s never been the case. So knowing that it’s a continuation of pleasure and usually the people that are jumping right into intercourse, it’s not just like, “Oh, I just, you know, like finished doing the dishes or something. And I have no erotic charge whatsoever, no desire. And then all of a sudden we just jump into intercourse.” But usually there’s some type of buildup, even if a person was doing it themselves in their head or, um, you know, maybe they were watching porn or reading a romance novel or something like that.
Um, that was getting them prepared for that. So natural continuation, um, and not a pass fail, um, performance test that whatever happens with intercourse happens with intercourse. Um, whether people orgasm or not, it’s not pass fail. Um, we just kind of chalk it up to what it’s going to be and if something isn’t working right, that’s where I usually work with people on how do we cope with that and how do we just kind of brush it off and can go to some of the other types of touch until we can get back to that, or maybe, you know, that’s just what it was for this time. And we try again next time. Um, and so then the other big thing to remember with intercourse is we want to transition this touch. Um, again, when you’re at higher levels of arousal that we aren’t just jumping right into that, um, and that other forms of touch, or there’s multiple, sorry, let me say this again, that there are other forms of touch and multiple types of stimulation going on during intercourse.
So, um, you know, that we’re not just focusing on, we’re going to go heterosexual here, not just focusing on penis/vagina going in and out, but there are other forms of rubbing and, you know, maybe touching the clitoris and, um, or, you know, touching breasts, touching other parts of the body, um, or, you know, touching other parts of a male body too, um, that there’s other forms of stimulation happening. Not just that. Um, because, especially with women, um, or people that have female identified bodies, um, that have vaginas, um, and clitorises, um, uh, just penetration alone is not going to usually reach orgasm. Very few women actually are able to just have an orgasm through penetration alone. So it’s really important that there are other types of stimulation going on, even during penetration to help women, female identified people, um, reach orgasm. So those are really important to understand and know.
Um, so all of these things, again, thinking about them in gears. So there are some people that really need to go through all the gears to get up to fifth gear and be in a space where they can, um, feel that spike of arousal to get into intercourse without it being painful, or, um, without it just feeling like this, isn’t really something that I want to do, but I’m going to do it anyway. Um, other people can kind of start out more at like level or gear three or gear four, um, and then go into intercourse. But again, even for those people that are jumping right into intercourse, and if you think back to, if you’re in a relationship and you’re like, well, we used to do that all the time when we first met. When we first need our biology is so different than what it is once we are in a longterm relationship.
That our hormones are raging and everything is just in heightened modes. Um, so that it is a lot easier to get there in the beginning. And you’re craving that person so much more. Um, and that’s the beauty of falling in love, but unfortunately it does put a lot of stress on our bodies and we’re not able to sustain that over a long period of time. So our body recalibrates, and then we have to recalibrate to figuring out, okay, well, it used to be super easy and it used to be like we wanted each other every day, all the time, and now life is in the way. And now we have to juggle work and sharing household chores and errands and managing money and all these things that are not sexy, um, or, you know, raising kids together as well.
Um, so a lot of times people get stuck in the doing life part, um, and just managing their lives and don’t figure out, okay, how can we then create a different type of sexual relationship between the two of us that isn’t this instant desire type relationship, because that’s not really how it’s going to be anymore. So those are the five types of touch and kind of how you can think about them. Um, if you want to know more about that and work with me on those, um, I would be more than happy to do that. You can find me at my website, reclaimingstoriestherapy.com. Um, you can go to my contact page and fill out my fillable form. Um, or if you were on one of my service pages, my sex therapy service page, I have a fillable form on there too. Um, you can find me on Facebook @reclaimingstoriestherapy, as well as Instagram @reclaimingstoriestherapy. Um, and my YouTube channel is The Millennial Therapist – RS for Reclaiming Stories. Um, and that’s it for today. So I hope this was helpful and informative. And again, if you are somebody that is struggling with sex in your relationships, um, please come and talk to me. Alright. Until next time take care and I will see you in my next video. Bye.