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Surviving Breakups in Quarantine

Transcription:

Hey everyone, I’m Kayla, the Millennial Therapist and owner of Reclaiming Stories Therapy and today I’m going to be talking to you about surviving breakups in quarantine. So right now is a really hard time to be going through a breakup. Breakups are hard enough as it is, but this is not an easy time to be going through this process when you could be stuck at home by yourself and not have a lot of outlets to deal with this. Um, you know, this has been a really weird time for relationships. Either you have been quarantined with your partner 24/7 and that has really put your relationship to the test or you have had to be socially distant from your partner and kind of put to the test and having somewhat of a long distance relationship and both of those things can be really challenging and I know are going to bring about some couples ending up ending, um, ending their relationship.

And it is, it’s just such a hard time. I have been through plenty of breakups in my own life. Um, and I have helped, you know, handfuls of clients really move through that process, uh, for themselves. And so I want to give you some tips on how you can possibly move through this and to survive this during quarantine.

So my number one tip is really just basic needs taking care of yourself, so make that time for yourself. Um, it’s taking care of you! And really when I say that and I think of that, I think of just like wrapping everything that you love and feel so safe and secure with and comfortable with, um, wrapping that around you and really supporting yourself with that. So what I mean by that is like really fuzzy blankets. Um, your favorite mug that you can fill it endlessly with tea or coffee or you know, some alcoholic beverages to make it a little bit stronger, but drink responsibly.

Um, some fuzzy PJ’s or sweats or a favorite hoodie or slippers or a bathrobe or whatever. Like, do what makes you or find the things that make you feel safe, warm, comfortable, um, and let them kind of hold you in that for this space that you’re in. Um, really the very beginning of breakups is just about, you know, keeping herself feeling supported and comforted, and having those items that are around your house that really make you feel secure and safe are good ways to kind of just wrap yourself in that and to, um, hold yourself in that. And I mean, this is really going to be a crash course in how to self sooth. So finding things that can help you self-sooth are the best for really taking care of yourself in this time.

Um, my second tip is feel the feels so it’s so important when you’re going through a breakup to let it out, to let out the tears, let out all the emotions, to feel those emotions. Don’t just stuff it down and not deal with it. Move through it. And you know, a lot of people would say, well I don’t want to wallow in it and I don’t really want you to wallow either, but I want you to take the time to process what’s going on. This is a big life moment and life change. And you know, some people think, “Well a break up is just a breakup. It happens all the time.” And they do happen all the time, but they’re big moments in your life. I mean, I look back at my relationships before I’ve found my husband and those are big pivotal moments in my life that I needed to process and really understand what worked in those relationships, what didn’t work in the relationships and how I wanted to move forward from those relationships. So take time to process it, take time to feel those feelings and some really good ways to do that.

I am super into music, so I loved finding songs that were what I was going through in the moment and feeling that while listening to it and crying and just letting myself like feel all of what was going on. Um, some people don’t like to feel their feelings. They like to, you know, with music, it’s like, “Well, if I’m feeling sad, I’d rather listen to a happy song so that I can be happy.” And sometimes that is a helpful thing. Um, but I think it’s important to have things that allow us to move through our emotions and music or TV shows or movies, um, that you can kind of watch somebody else go through that same emotional process as you and you kind of move through it with them, can be really powerful too. So feel the feels, find ways to move through them.

Know that they are temporary. Know that, you know, they’re like waves, they’re going to come and go. So that’s why it’s kinda like just ride the wave, feel them, process them. Think about why am I feeling this way? What’s going on for me? If I’m sad, angry, mad, hurt, all of the above together, feel it and then move through it.

Um, third is do things that continue to make you feel whole. So again, what I mean by that is kind of also feeling the feels to stay busy. Um, making you feel whole, I also mean doing things that really again, support who you are and make you feel like this is something that I want to do for myself. So I know when I was going through breakups, dancing was really helpful for me or singing or going on walks or spending time with friends.

So do the things that make you feel like this is who I am and this is what my life would be like with or without this person that I want to consistently be doing these things for me. And, it can be a time where you can branch out and find something else that you haven’t done before. But if you have those things that ground you already, like your favorite exercise class that you go to a couple times a week or um, that coffee date that you always have with a friend or um, you know, that favorite place that you go to lunch every week or couple weeks that you really love. Like, do those things that make you feel like this is me and this is what I would want to be doing with my life, with or without this person. Um, that makes you feel, yeah. Whole.

Um, my next tip is take time away from engaging with your ex. So even though we break up with somebody, sometimes that doesn’t always mean that that’s the end. Um, we often, you know, start to feel lonely and start to miss them. We want to text them, we want to call them, we need some closure. And not that I think that it’s bad to reach out to an ex, but it’s important to know that when you were in a relationship, not only are you connected, um, like in person together, when you are together, but you actually physiologically get connected to somebody. Your brain gets connected to somebody. Um, your body gets connected to somebody. And so it’s so important that you give yourself that time for your mind to kind of wrap itself around the fact that you are not with this person anymore.

And to not let yourself get into that trap of, you know, if you really felt like this was the right thing to do or you know, you were the one that got broken up with and your partner was very adamant that this was what they wanted. You know, if it’s a real break where it’s like, okay, I need to get to a point where I’m okay with and there’s probably not going to be any opportunity for us to get back together, then it’s really important for you to take that time to allow yourself to part from that person. And I’ll do another video on whether or not to be friends with your ex because I also think that that is a perfectly fine thing to do. We shouldn’t just cancel people out of our lives, especially people that mean a great deal to us and that we care a lot for.

But it is important to take some time for you to understand that there is a shift in whatever relationship you will have in the future that is not going to be the same as what you previously had. That you’re probably not going to be having sex with this person or you know, whatever it’s going to look like in the future is probably going to be different from what it was. So make space for that. Create space for yourself to have your mind wrap itself around that and detach from some of those dynamics that you were having with that person and talking every day and relying on them for certain things that you’re going to have to relearn how to be by herself for awhile.

Um, my next is have a good support system. So just in general in quarantine, it’s really important to have those people that you can talk to but know who your go to people are, who are the friends and the family that are going to give a listening ear and a supportive shoulder for you to lean on as you go through this. That this is a really hard time, and so it’s important for you to have those people that are going to build you up and um, but also are there to just let you be. That aren’t going to try to force you to, you know, do something that you’re not ready to do or be happy and just say “Oh whatever to them, don’t worry about it.” That are just going to be there and let you feel what you need to feel, say what you need to say, process what you need to process. Um, and that are just going to be there for you and that love and care about you because it’s really something that is important to have those people in your life that are going to just help you move through this time. Um, and you know, a therapist can also be someone like that. If you are really struggling and don’t have a lot of people to talk to, a therapist can also be somebody that can be a support system for you.

Um, my last one is know that this is going to be a chaotic road. It is not a linear process whatsoever. Um, and it’s not, “okay, we’re going to just keep trucking along and every day is going to get better and I’m never going to feel how I felt the day before.” Unfortunately that’s just not true. That the trending curve will definitely go in a direction of, it’s going to feel better and better and better. But sometimes you can take one step forward, two steps back. Sometimes you can take five steps forward and then like 10 steps back. It’s just kind of a crazy, chaotic mess of stuff because you might kind of move through one portion of your grief and then all of a sudden something else comes up that then you have to kind of take a few steps back and move through that again too.

That there are different stages of grief, which again, I’ll do another video on. Um, but know that it’s just, it’s not going to be a completely linear process. If you have a day where you feel amazing and you’re like, “Yes, I’m doing it, I’m living my life, I’m single, let’s get it.” And then another day where you’re just like curled up in bed and don’t really want to do anything, that’s okay. It’s okay to just take it as it comes and to just be kind and honest with yourself about where you’re at and know when you need help too. That if you are spending a lot of time in bed and feeling like this has just totally rocked your world and functioning is becoming really hard, do you seek help. Seek out assistance because that is depression and we want to help you move through grief, um, to the point where you’re not in a place where it just feels so stuck that I can’t do anything.

So, um, regardless of where you’re at, therapy is always available. But definitely if you’re really, really struggling, do reach out and try to get some help. Um, I really hold breakups sacred. I think that is one of the most sacred times that I can be with a client because it is so vulnerable, it is so emotional. It is so world shaking, earth shaking, um, life shaking and um, can be something that is so painful. But I also love to work with people on kind of that more, um, and not really silver lining piece, but the piece of once we moved through a lot of the initial emotions and get to a place where we can start to maybe analyze what was going on more that we can talk about, you know, what was working, what wasn’t working, who do you want to be in future relationships, what do you want out of future relationships, what do you want your life to look like?

Um, and these can be huge learning moments too. So know that it’s very hard in the beginning and I wouldn’t do that type of processing in the beginning. Um, but there are things that we can learn from breakups and in the end, you know, that wasn’t the person for you and there are plenty more people out there that are going to love and care about you and that you will find joy and happiness with. So those are my tips for surviving breakups in quarantine.

Um, you can find me at reclaimingstoriestherapy.com. Um, if you are seeing this on my website, please fill out my contact form that is either on this page or is on, um, my contract page. Um, and I would be more than happy to chat with you about seeing if we can work together and what my services look like. Um, you can find me on Facebook @reclaimingstoriestherapy as well as Instagram again @reclaimingstoriestherapy. Um, my YouTube channel is The Millennial Therapist – RS for Reclaiming Stories. And as always, it’s such a pleasure to talk to you and I hope that you are doing well. Stay safe, take care, and I will see you next time. Bye.

 

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4141 6th Ave Suite C
Tacoma, WA 98406


(253) 525-2424

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