You and your partner are struggling to hear each other when trying to communicate.
Maybe you both interrupt each other and try to get the last word. You both spend the whole time your partner is talking thinking about what you want to say next and do not really listen to what they have to say.
You both feel as though you are talking at the other person, not with.
Maybe you are even getting angry, swearing, saying hurtful things, storming out, or shutting down and refusing to talk at all.
None of these ways of communicating lead you and your partner to feel seen, heard, understood, or valued.
How The Conversation Usually Goes
Many of the couples I work with communicate in a way that is a ‘me vs. you’ mentality. They know they are not on the same page, so they try to convince each other of their own perspective and truth with the assumption that their truth is the right truth or the way something actually happened.
When their partner disagrees and starts to try convince the other person of their own truth, a cycle begins where that is how the conversation continues to go until they give up. Nothing typically gets resolved and both people are left feeling defeated and hopeless.
How The Conversation Could Go
The way I teach my clients how to communicate more effectively is to totally reverse the thinking of ‘my truth is the only truth’ and to start to understand that both partners have their own perspective in any given situation.
Both partners can experience a situation together and come out of it with two totally different ways of processing and understanding it.
When you learn and know this assumption, then you can enter into the conversation by putting your own perspective aside for the moment, put your detective hat on, and really try to hear and understand what your partner’s perspective is before jumping into talking about your own.
The Communication Dance
The following are the 10 Steps needed to work through a conflict situation:
Step 1: Assume the stance that each person has their own perspective, so you know it is your job to listen and try to understand your partner’s perspective before you get to share your own.
Step 2: Partner A uses ‘I’ statements to describe their own perspective through focusing on their emotions. An ‘I’ statement is a statement that describes your own feelings with a clarification phrase. The formula for this is, “I feel (insert feeling word) because or when…” The more succinct and to the point these ‘I’ statements are the better. I recommend only 2-4 statements at a time.
Step 3: Partner B listens to Partner A describe their feelings without any interruption.
Step 4: When Partner A is done, Partner B paraphrases in their own words back to Partner A what they just heard them say. If saying it in your own words is too hard or confusing, you can literally repeat back to your partner verbatim what you heard them say. An example of how you may start this would be, “What I heard you say is…”
Step 5: Partner B then asks Partner A if their paraphrasing or restating was correct.
Step 6: Partner A says whether or not Partner B’s paraphrasing or restating was correct. If it is a yes, then move on to the next step. If it is a no, then Partner B needs to ask some more clarifying questions and/or Partner A should restate what they believe Partner B missed. Step 4 and 5 should then be repeated until Partner A says yes.
Step 7: Once Partner B fully understands what Partner A said, Partner B should then offer some validating statements to empathize with Partner A and connect with Partner A on an emotional level. This requires Partner B to put themselves in Partner A’s shoes and really try to feel and understand how and why Partner A would think and feel the way they do.
Step 8: Once Partner A feels heard and understood, then the partners switch roles and go through all the steps again, allowing Partner B now the time and space to speak about their perspective and get some paraphrasing and validation.
Step 9: Once both partners feel heard and understood then the couple can move to some type of resolution to their conflict. Sometimes both people feeling heard, seen, understood, and learning where each person was coming from is all that is needed to put the conflict behind them. Other times, a compromise is required.
Step 10: Once resolution has been achieved, the couple should find a way to signify that the conflict is over and that they are moving forward. I usually like to suggest some form of physical contact such as a hug and/or a kiss to signify we are okay and the conflict has ended. Words specifying love for each other and wanting to move forward are great additions as well.
If you and your partner are struggling with communication and often get stuck in talking at each other instead of talking with each other, please click on the button below to schedule your FREE 30 minute consultation and I would love to help you feel seen, heard, and appreciated!
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