Hi everyone. I’m Kayla, The Millennial Relationship and Sex Therapist and owner of Reclaiming Stories Therapy. And today I’m going to be talking to you about three tips for self-love. Let’s get into it. So this has been a big topic of conversation for me and my clients lately and rightfully so. I mean, this is a really hard time to be going through in 2020. A lot of our expectations of what this year was supposed to be are not being met and we are probably feeling down about ourselves about either what we are doing or what we’re not doing, um, or just about things in general and how were dealing with that, um, and self love or self compassion, and this feeds into, you know, self esteem and self worth. Um, those all are kind of lumped into the same category, but these are really important things for us to feel about ourselves because when we don’t value ourselves, when we don’t feel like we matter, it shows up in our relationships and in our lives.
Um, it’s harder for us to prioritize ourselves, set healthy boundaries for ourselves in terms of taking care of ourselves and doing self care or having healthy boundaries in our relationships, um, and holding those boundaries. Um, it, you know, shows up in how we perceive what we can achieve in life and where we’re going in life. Um, and so it really is the root of where to start when thinking about, you know, how do I grow in myself and how can I be a better partner or a better friend or whatever role that you play in life. And also, how can I just be a better companion to myself? How can I stop putting so much pressure and extra anxiety and stress on myself that doesn’t need to be there? So let’s get into the tips. Um, my first tip is to write down some kind things about yourself on sticky notes and post them somewhere that you will see them.
So good places are a wall that’s, you know, somewhere accessible to you that you see on a day to day basis. And maybe in your bedroom or on your bathroom mirror that you see in the morning and the evening, or I think the best one that I have done with my clients is putting it on the side of your computer or on your laptop if you’re working on a computer during the day, um, cause it’s always visible. So it’s a constant reminder. So these things can be, um, attributes about you like kindness and compassion and curiosity, um, or it can be kind of like what I said before of looking at the roles that you play in your life. Maybe you feel like you are really good mother or father or husband or wife or friend or son or daughter, whatever type of role that you play, um, or even in your job that you’re really good at what you do, um, in your job.
Write those positive things down on separate sticky notes, um, and put them somewhere where you can see them. So it’s a constant reminder of the positive things about you, instead of all the negative things that you are constantly saying to yourself. So do that and see what happens after a week or two of constantly looking at those things and reinforcing that positive message versus the negative message. Um, the second thing is when you start to have those negative thoughts, so the “I’m not good enough,” “I suck at this”, “I failed at this.” Um, we often get in these spirals that we aren’t really noticing that it’s happening until we’re like way, way, way down the road. Um, so the first step to that is noticing. So what would it look like if you were to just notice that that was happening and to have the awareness that, “Oh, this isn’t just something that is inherently true or that I just do because that’s what is true about me or that I should be doing, is criticizing myself.” But having this awareness that, “Oh, this is what I do. This is what my brain does when I get really down on myself. I start to have all these really negative thoughts.”
So having the awareness of that is the first step. The second step to that. Once you actually have that awareness and can be aware of when that is happening, then we have to stop it. So picturing a big red stop sign in your mind when you are aware of that, it’s happening. So let’s say, you know, something didn’t quite go your way at work and you start to have this negative thought spiral where you start to say, “I’m no good. I’m not good enough. I can’t do this job well. Why were you such an idiot?” You have the awareness of, “Oh my gosh, I’m doing that thing again that I do. I’m criticizing myself.” And then you picture a big red stop sign and you’re like, errrrr stop!
Um, when we stop, then we can divert our attention to something positive. So instead of continuing down that path, we stop and then we can counter that narrative with a more positive narrative. So instead of thinking about all the negative things and criticizing yourself, start to think about what are some of the positive things that you did. Maybe it’s not even related to what happened, but what is something that you accomplished that day or that week or something that you know, that you do really well instead of criticizing yourself for the thing that you did poorly on or that you could improve on. Start to list the things that, what do I do well, what are the things that I know that I have accomplished or that I will accomplish, or that I am accomplishing in the moment, um, to kind of counteract that negative narrative.
Okay. And then the third one is gratitude. Gratitude is one of the biggest ways that we can start to shift that negative narrative and have a more positive narrative. So kind of similarly to the last one, I often recommend for my clients to start a journal, a daily journal on the things that they are grateful for. Um, and this can be, you know, anything, literally anything like a roof over my head, food in my fridge, clothes on my body, those are like very basic needs. Um, but also like a loving partner or family that cares about me or friends that care about me or a job that is paying my bills or, you know, the fact that I’m able bodied and can move around or whatever it can be, whatever. Um, but something to also add to that as similar to the last one is, um, saying things that, um, are accomplishments that you’ve done.
So things that, you know, I can kind of step back and take stock of that maybe I haven’t really thought about. Um, that sometimes we have a really hard time in my self included of acknowledging our wins that oftentimes we’re just constantly searching for that one thing that is going to make us happy. Um, instead of looking at all the things that we have already gotten on our journey that we were trying to get. Um, so maybe you take stock of the fact that you have gotten that job that you wanted, even if you haven’t really gone to the point of success that you’ve wanted. Um, maybe you finally were able to buy a house and that’s awesome. Maybe you were finally able to get in a healthy relationship and that’s awesome. Maybe, you know, you just were able to get out of bed today and take a shower.
That’s awesome too. So it definitely depends on where you’re at and what your wins could be, but something just as small as like I worked out today all the way to, yeah, I have done some really cool things this year that maybe I’m not giving myself enough credit for. So those are three ways that you can start to give some self-love to yourself, um, to start creating a more positive narrative and to counteract some of those negative thoughts, spirals, um, when you’re criticizing yourself, because the more you can love you, the more that you can love all the other people that are in your life. And it’s going to be a lot easier once you know, that you have the space and time to take care of you and to put yourself as a priority to also do the same for the other people in your life.
So, um, that’s it for today. Um, where can you find me? You can find me on my website reclaimingstoriestherapy.com. Um, I’m also on Facebook and Instagram @reclaimingstoriestherapy. And then my YouTube channel is The Millennial Therapist – RS for reclaiming stories. Um, so if you are somebody that is struggling with self-love, please come find me and contact me. I would be more than happy to work with you around that, especially if it’s around relationships and sex, since that is my specialty. Um, and I hope that you guys can have a great day great weekend, um, and I will see you in my next video, take care. Bye.